Amanda is annoyed

FYI

2009-07-29T16:19:00.001-07:00

I went back to my old blog.

Read that instead. It's much more entertaining

Dating is Miserable

The Lyrics to 'Good Morning Starshine' Are Ridiculous

2009-04-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Some of the actual lyrics to Good Morning Starshine are

Gliddy glub gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba
Le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla
Nooby abba naba
Early morning singing song

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!??!?!

The Baby Shower Invites Are Getting Thrown Away

2009-03-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

I'm throwing my sister a baby shower at the end of April in honor of kidlet numero dos being on the way. I worked up this really cool theme and had my amazingly talented friend Kerry design the invites.

I had them printed as postcards and sent them on their way happy way. It turns out people think they are advertisements for something and are just tossing them.

It makes me sad that all of Kerry's hard word and all of my money is basically being wasted. I was fully aware that they would be thrown away in the end but c'mon I wanted everyone to see them first!

Today I Am In A "Mood"

2009-03-25T09:46:00.001-07:00

I am in a bad mood today. Here is a list of things that have annoyed me since I woke up.

I am slightly hungover.
Michael Jackson was so talented as a kid and young adult. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.
A bizarre conversation with a friacquintance + beer triggered some insecurity and I lashed out at two people via IM and text. Totally uncalled for on my part.
My shoulders, chest, and nose are sunburned despite multiple sunscreen applications yesterday.
Twitter won't let me follow Ryan (Suki's) for whatever reason.
I am not in-love married to this guy.
I finally selected an outfit this morning I didn't hate. I dug around in a box for 20 minutes trying to find the perfect shoes (successfully I might add). I found my favorite scarfand was finally feeling better about life. I was halfway to work when I realized I was wearing all brown and had forgotten to change purses and was/am still carrying the black one I always carry. COORDINATION FAIL.
"Pete* is just being Pete*" is not an excuse to be a complete jerk. I'm so sick of hearing this. If someone is an asshole they shouldn't get a free pass because "that's just who they are".
This season of Big Love is over.
I can not stand people being hot and cold. You know when you're in a hot steamy shower relaxing after a long day and the water suddenly goes ice cold? I hate when people do that.
I miss my sister and I'm depressed at not being able to be around when my new niece is born this summer.
I got paid today but all of it is going right back out for rent, plane tickets, and bills. All of it is an exaggeration but it feels like that.
My boss's husband smells funny.
I have baby and puppy fever. I don't want either one I just want a friend to have one.
I need a manicure.
Twitter is acting up.
Waiting for the "call back" is stupid and fills me with anxiety.
I really want sushi.
I really want to get out of the city but I feel like none of my friends ever want to commit to a trip or an outing in advance.
I'm tired.
I feel fat.
I'm annoyed that I'm this annoyed and grouchy.
I'm hungry.
My apartment is a little messy.

Getting Corrected When I Do Things Right

2009-03-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

Background: I work for an older couple (80 & 84) as their personal assistant. They have houses all around, travel, sit on boards of very large charities, and are incredibly active. I manage pretty much every aspect of their entire life.

I love my bosses. I really do. The two of them have become like grandparents and I love working here even though the husband can drive me batshit insane sometimes. He likes to correct me even though I'm right and treat me like I don't know all the details of a plan when I, in fact, MADE the plan.

For example, today he asked me for a copy of their itinerary for their upcoming New York trip. I handed it to him and before giving it back to me he gave me a stern lecture about making sure I double checked my work, have the correct details, and was very thorough in their travel plans. He handed me back the document saying he had made some corrections and would appreciate me changing them ASAP.

I went from stunned and worried to completely annoyed in less than 3 seconds.

Please click below to see what his "problem" was.

The Water In My Apartment Is Being Turned Off Tomorrow

2009-03-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a real day off in what feels like forever. For the last two weeks I've either had to pop into work for a second, take work calls, answer work e-mails, deal with screaming property managers at 8:30 on a Saturday, or reorganize papers for work. To say I am looking forward to tomorrow (and the rest of the weekend) is an understatement.

I've made sure that every little thing is taken care of. I've pushed work onto the Napa people. I've triple checked arrangements. I've printed out every paper imaginable so no one has to call me and ask. I am all set for a relaxing day at home tomorrow. Well I was until I got a notice on my front door letting me know that the water in my apartment is being turned off from 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM tomorrow and construction is starting at 8 AM on some repairs in the basement.

Kill Me.

I Got Rejected From F*** My Life.

2009-03-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

I posted the "I Found Porn On My Work Computer Of My Boss's Son" story on http://www.fmylife.com/ and it got rejected/hasn't been posted. I swear I'm going to post the videos and pictures (I kept them after getting rid of the virus laden ones in case he ever came back saying I was lying about it) so that someone can commiserate with me.

The Reappearing Period

2009-03-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION MEN: This is a girly TMI post. Instead of reading any further please just stare at the following boobs.

Ladies, so you know what really chaps my ass? When you are done with your period, 1 or 2 days has gone by, you've even banged down with no body rebellion, and suddenly out of nowhere your uterus takes an unexpected last death rattle. It's REALLY annoying.

That is all.

If I Have A Song Stuck In My Head 9/10 It's:

2009-03-18T10:55:00.001-07:00

It drives me insane how catchy it is.

Mayonnaise

2009-03-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

Oh and on the subject of Crystal, today she had a sandwich and the person put extra mayo on it.

Mayonnaise is the most vile thing ever.

The Weird Shit I Think About After Seeing He's Just Not That Into You

2009-03-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I went and saw He's Just Not That Into You with my friends Jaime and Crystal. I primarily went because I have a raging girl hard-on for Ginnifer Goodwin and not because I a) liked the book (I read it once when I was sick and bored and thought it was bullshit relationship propaganda) b) like Jennifer Aniston or c) wanted to see a girly movie (though I love chick flicks). I liked the movie and didn't think much of it until I went on a date that I thought went ridiculously well with Mr. Fantastic First Date. Now I'm completely paranoid by everything homeboy says or does.

I'm not usually like this. Sure I'll pour over some weird detail of an encounter with friends or wonder exactly what that 3 AM booty call meant but I have NEVER been this paranoid that someone is playing me or really uninterested. This is a person I've met once and if I never saw again would not positively or negatively affect my life in any way shape or form but I'm still totally paranoid.

Take for instance the extreme late night invitation to come over. Was that a booty call? Do I care if it was a booty call? Why didn't he make a move on our second/first date (long story but we had a second date the same day/night of our first date)? Is he really going on a business trip this week? I've told him I'm incredibly klutzy and knows about the time the guy ran screaming from the cab so was the following conversation a joke?

me: Example of how klutzy I am: I was loading boxes onto a hand truck at work, and when I set the first box down the handle came back smacked me in the head sending me flying to the floor.
Mr. Fantastic First Date: ayyyy
you ok?
me: yay gnarly headache
and a little dizzy
but I'm 78% sure I don't need medical attention
Mr. Fantastic First Date: you are bad aren't ya
no wonder i felt this sense of impending doom at the bar
me: I prefer the term charmingly ungraceful
hahahah but you didn't run screaming from the bar...sooooooo
bonus points
Mr. Fantastic First Date has logged off.
me: :-o

I'm pretty sure he was totally kidding but now I'm confused.

THAT STUPID MOVIE HAS TURNED ME INTO A WHINY COMPLETELY PARANOID DELUSIONAL GIRL!!!!! Wtf.....I'm annoyed

...
..
.

I will now return to being a cool chick and not freaking out all the time. I think it's just PMS but you never know.

Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck

2009-03-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

I say the word fuck a lot. I don't even mean to but I do. I noticed this last night while out on a first date (so you know trying to give off the impression I'm not insane).

I tried to curb it but then thought "Oh fuck it, it's part of my charm".

The Stuff I Have To Start Thinking About The Older I Get

2009-03-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

No matter how many warnings I get or how many people tell me that "one day you'll get it" or "one day you'll feel like this" or "one day you'll change your mind" it still comes as a mind halting blow to my youth when some rite of passage or some "adult" topic comes up in my life.

Most recently, Can I date someone who has kids?

Through the power of the intrawebz I recently met an early 30's guy who has 2 kids, an ex-wife, a stable job, good looks and a pretty awesome personality. While we haven't been out nor do I know if we ever will it did get me thinking, can I date someone who has kids?

If you know me you know I don't want kids. It really has nothing to do with liking kids (I love kids) or not wanting the responsibility (if something happened to my sister and brother-in-law I'd fight tooth and nail for my niece(s) without any hesitation). It has everything to do with not wanting to physically birth a child. I like my body the way it is and I've NEVER had the desire to be pregnant. EVER. Plus, if I ever did want kids I'd really rather adopt.

The fact I don't want kids doesn't make this whole decision easier. More questions arise, would I want Baby Mama Drama? Do I really want to be a role model? Would I want instafamily ruining my rock-n-roll sex in the city lifestyle (hahahahahahahha my life is boring) ? On the other hand I'd probably never be pressured to have kids. "Dad" is probably more mature than the emotionally stunted with Peter Pan syndrome guys I've dated in the past.

Whatever I decide doesn't matter. It's just scary to think that, at my age, this is a reasonable question to ask. It completely freaks me out. I was relieved to find out my friend Victoria shared many of the same fears when I asked her today about my conundrum earlier today.

vic: sometimes it's weird to me to realize we're at the age where it's ok to go out with people in their +30s know what i mean?
like, when the hell did that happen?
me: hahah that's what I'm blogging about right now
I know suddenly 30 isn't that old
it's socially acceptable for me to date someone with kids.
it's just WEIRD
vic: IT SO IS
i dunno how to feel about it
me: Me neither
vic: i still feel like i'm 15 most of the time!
me: I KNOW
vic: haha we're just playing grownups
me: I feel like that all the time

Reporters

2009-03-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

A friend was recently portrayed very negatively in an article. I won't link to it or mention the friend by name as I think the article shows a complete lack of journalistic integrity, research, and desire to write the truth instead of a sleazy expose piece. I have no desire to increase the traffic to the site where the article is posted.

This entire incident reminded me of my last big run in with a reporter.

My friend Travis was killed a couple of years ago. The entire situation was bad enough without reporters getting in on it. Travis was trying to do the right thing by breaking up a fight outside of work, got knocked out, and suffered brain swelling/damage that lead to his death. It was horribly tragic as Travis was an amazing guy. Sweet, hilarious, funny, worked with tons of charities, and an amazing friend. I wasn't prepared for his death and it was a complete shock. What I never in a million years expected was the onslaught of reporters contacting me for comments about Travis. What did I think of him? What did he do? Did I have any dirt? Did he drink a lot? What about drugs? I remember being so outraged hearing they were trying to do an expose piece on drug and alcohol related deaths on campus because TRAVIS WAS NOT DRUNK DURING THE INCIDENT!!! He was at work and was asked to play security guard for a minute. That's it. With everything else going on was it really necessary to reach out to his grieving friends and family to help write your crappy article about alcohol?

I've never met a reporter with an ounce of compassion, integrity, or benevolent motive. They are all pretty much completely worthless.

The Porn I Just Found On My Work Computer

2009-03-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago the accountant and I (we share a computer as we are never here on the same day) started noticing the work computer was running really slow. Since it is practically brand new I was quite puzzled but ran all the virus scans and got rid of a few things and the computer seemed to be running a little bit better but slightly off.

About a week ago my computer spyware detection started going INSANE. It took me over4 hours to get rid of all the viruses on the computer. I couldn't begin to explain what was happening but assumed it was my fault. I have Limewire downloaded at work and frequently watch tv so I just assumed I had picked something up somewhere...........until today.

I turned on the computer and found it was even slower than before. There are 5 accounts (My boss, my boss's son, the main administrator account which is mine, the accountant, and a guest account) and I noticed my boss's son's account had programs running (he was here over the weekend) so I opened it.

I was not prepared for the horror I was about to face.

PORN!! Tons of tons of horrible porn. Gay porn (he's "straight" and engaged to an ex-supermodel) with really hairy fat men, pictures of the boss's son's penis (face included so I know it's him!!), and videos of him masturbating IN MY OFFICE CHAIR.

I spent a good 2 hours this morning disinfecting the entire place and trying to write him an email letting him know I was charging him for a) a new office chair b) the cost of the IT guy to come out and fix my computer and c) my therapy bills. I'm really not sure if I should actually say something but I'm password protecting every single account and he can kiss my ass.

There is some stuff you can't unsee.

The Non-San Franciscan Opinion On Not Having A Car.

2009-03-06T11:34:00.001-08:00

I don't drive. I didn't say "I can't", as I have a driver's license, I said I don't.

Once I moved to San Francisco I sold my car because:

1. Public Transportation is great here.
2. Traffic and parking is a nightmare.
3. It's an added expense I don't need.
4. I never really used it that much when I did have it here.
5. I'm doing my part for the environment...or something.

I'm totally cool with my carless status. Sure everything takes a bit longer but I read more since I find myself on the bus. I spend less money because when shopping it comes down to a transportation issue and really, how am I going to get that rhinoceros on the bus? I get more exercise since MUNI sucks (yes I know that contradicts reason #1 for selling my car but I meant public transportation is great in comparison to everywhere else in the state) and I end up walking a lot of places. I'm more efficient since I tend to group errands together and make lists to help me not have to spend 20 minutes on the bus going back and forth. All in all not owning a car rules. Plus, I spend $45 a month and get everywhere I need to go. Can you car owners say that?

What I'm not cool with is the non-San Franciscan attitude towards me not owning a car. They are always SHOCKED. My best friend from High School brings it up every single time we talk on the phone. She is genuinely in awe at the fact I don't have a car and have to like "OMG" ride a bus. It's different here. I DON'T NEED A CAR.

So please, for the love of God, stop telling me how you have no idea how I manage. Come spend one day here and you'll see how easy it is.

This Chick

2009-03-05T16:32:00.001-08:00

Parents Reaction To Sex

2009-03-05T15:37:00.000-08:00

I was over at CNN.com just now trying to find an update on the Prop 8 hearing (don't even get me started how the front page has the story of Robin Williams undergoing heart surgery and the Rhianna/Chris Brown fight started over a text but little to no update on the hearing) when I noticed an interesting headline: "Sex-at-school article shocks mom".

The news clip is of a mother discussing a High School newspaper article about teens having sex on campus. Instead of the mother using this as dialogue with her daughter about sex or wanting to know what the educators are doing to stop this or even having concerns over safe sex teachings she is pissed it was in the school paper and equated it to a Playboy.

Sex happens. Educate your kids. NUFF SAID.

I Really Can't Figure Out What This Was Supposed To Mean

2009-03-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

I was returning from lunch today when I passed by the entrance to SF MOMA. A teenage girl and her mother were standing on the sidewalk preparing to take a picture of the mother next to the SF MOMA sign. As I passed by I heard the daughter say "Mom, quit being so Anne Frank about it!"

I for the life of me can't figure out what that was supposed to mean and it's driving me crazy.

EDIT: I started a thread on yelp.com about it and it has been brought to my attention that I'm a horrible person and perhaps the mom had been hiding from the camera or was being very quiet or something.

Really Bad Opening Lines

2009-03-04T13:11:00.001-08:00

I love Okcupid. I'm not going to lie. I'm primarily on there to laugh at how ridiculous some people are and occasionally I meet an interesting person or two. Today I got hit with what may be the creepiest, scariest, weirdest, opening line EVER which was so unbelievable I took a screenshot of the conversation.

The New Geico Ads

2009-03-04T12:21:00.001-08:00

I'm sorry but that thing is the creepiest thing EVER. I hate the new ads. They totally freak me out. If you haven't seen them yet watch a few here.

This Shit Only Happens To Me

2009-03-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

I am the world' most lucky unlucky person. The most ridiculous stuff happens to me and only to me.

Take last night for example, after having epic drama with my now ex-roommate (HALLELUJAH!!) I headed over to the ATM to deposit her check and get cash for the movers that were already en route to my house with my new couches. I deposit the check successfully, get my receipt, hit withdraw, and BAM the ATM flickers, shuts off, and then starts back up with a "Welcome to Bank of America" screen without returning my card! I called everyone I know in the area to see if I could get a 16 hour loan and thankfully my friend Chris came to my rescue. YES I ASKED AN UNEMPLOYED PERSON TO LOAN ME $80. Don't worry...I already paid him back!

I almost forgot about the time when I first moved to San Francisco and got mistaken for a prostitute 3 times in the span of 20 minutes. I had come out of an interview and was walking down Market Street heading to a friend's house. I was wearing black pinstripe pants, black low kitten heels, a black sweater with a button down shirt underneath, my hair down, and my standard issue nerd specs A.K.A NOT HOT AT ALL. I was approached while I was waiting for the light to change by a homeless looking man who offered me $20 to do an unspeakable act to him that I won't repeat. As I continued my walk I passed by one of the several strip clubs on Market and was told they were "Always looking for redheaded talent" and the bouncer gave me the manager's card. Then as I'm on the phone with my sister telling her how ridiculous this all is a short Asian businessman approaches me and asks me "How much?" in which I responded "What for Muni? $1.50" and he said "No. For you. Tonight.".

WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE I DON'T LOOK LIKE A PROSTITUTE.

I could go on for hours about how the weirdest shit happens to me and my life is like some horribly written sitcom but I'll spare you.

It's A Small World After All

2009-02-26T10:38:00.000-08:00

I just found out a good friend of mine from when I lived in Davis is marrying a girl I was pretty good friends with in high school. They met completely independently of me.

I hate when the world seems too small and/or my six degrees of Kevin Bacon hits me in the face.

Stupid Things People Do While Dating: Part V

2009-02-26T10:35:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately I somehow managed to lose the file with all my old datingismiserable.com stories. Thankfully, I can remember a ton of them so I thought this one would go well with my upcoming post.

6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon -Vomit Edition-

A year or two ago I went to a family reunion/my aunt's 80th birthday party where I got to catch up with a ton of my cousins, who just happen to be the most interesting and eclectic bunch I know.

At 11:00 AM I crack my first beer with my cousin Adam (24) and my cousin Robbie (who was newly 21). Around 1:00 PM I find myself a good 5 beers deep standing outside while some of my cousins smoke pot. It appears I have found a very large bottle of champagne as well as some tubing to make a straw and am halfway to blitzed. The conversation has turned to completely inappropriate things about a member of the family who is a priest. Mostly about how he is a Catholic Virgin, which the priest confirms. My cousin Randy has brought up this topic. Randy is the party boy of the family. He's one of my favorite people of all time. Wherever Randy is a good time is surely right behind him.

4:00 PM rolls around and the priest is asked to bless everyone for their ride home, he responds to this with "I hate praying!" and heads inside to give the blessing. We (Robbie, Adam, Randy, the priest, and I) decide to keep the party going but first stop off at my grandmother's house for some sandwiches in an attempt to soak up the booze. My grandmother blames Randy for all the bad deeds the group of us get into. To be honest, it's probably my fault. By 5:20 we are at our first bar. By 6:00 PM I have had 2 shots of fernet, a shot of jameson, and a pbr. Things do not look good.

By 7:30 I have had countless drinks. We switch bars and I've had 2 shots of something called a bullshot and a shot of tequila. I'm sitting on the bar singing "Shook Me All Night Long" with Randy, my cousins are taking funny pictures, and the priest is hitting on girls by showing them his Priest Card (yes when you become a priest they give you a card stating you are as such. It looks like a driver's license) when I meet, who would turn out to be, Preston.

8:45 PM:
The priest has taken me outside and is giving me some strange lecture about being moral and making good decisions. I have NO idea what provoked this....at the time.

3:30 AM:
I wake up in my hotel room fully dressed (including shoes) underneath the covers I feel something heavy on my feet. I sit up and see someone laying across the foot of my bed. I have NO recollection of anyone coming to my hotel with me. I freak out.

4:00 AM
I discover my bathroom is COVERED in vomit. The toilet has overflowed with said vomit. The sink is completely filled with vomit. It is not my vomit as I had not had salad in weeks.

4:30 AM
I discover that random dude is wrapped up in a blanket but IS COMPLETELY NUDE UNDERNEATH THAT

8:00 AM
Random dude wakes up. I find out his name is Preston. We met at the last bar my cousins and I were at. He was with a birthday party. He scrubs and cleans my hotel room. By the time he left I was sure it was cleaner than when I checked in. During our discussion while he waits for a cab I find out he works in my building here in San Francisco, he lives across the street from me, and he was in a fraternity with one of my oldest friends.

It's a small world after all kids.

Update: I decided to look him up on facebook just now and was pleasantly surprised at how attractive he is. WEIRD.

My New Apartment Is Haunted

2009-02-25T12:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not kidding, my new apartment is haunted. I've been there for roughly 2 weeks and about a week ago I realized I was waking up 3 times a night at roughly the same time to the same odd circumstances and decided I was going to keep a piece of paper by my bed and document these weird awakenings. Here is how my nights go

12:45 AM - I wake up with the lights in my main room (I live in a studio) on even though I am 100% certain I turned them off. I can't sleep with lights on very often so this is strange. Last night I decided to try an experiment and leave the lights on. At 12:45 AM I awoke to find my apartment dark.

3:13 AM - I wake up feeling like someone just walked into my room. I have placed little booby traps very Home Alone style by my front door on the off chance I really am just that sound of a sleeper. Nothing is ever moved.

5:00 AM - I wake up feeling like someone has just left my apartment despite the booby traps still in place.

Normally I'd be way down for some ghostly visitors as I think most spirits, if they exist, are there to protect us but seriously can my ghost stop waking me up in the middle of the night?!?!?! No one can possibly understand how much I enjoy sleeping so this is just getting on my nerves.

I've decided the ghost is one of two people. It is either Dashiell Hammett who wrote a book or two in my apartment or my great-grandmother who is pissed I'm single, living alone, and almost 25.

90% Of The Women At The Oscars Last Night Were Not Appropriately Styled

2009-02-23T12:17:00.001-08:00

Last night my fabulous friend Jen hosted an all girl Oscar viewing bitch fest at her house complete with Slumdog Sangria, Benjamin Buttoncakes, and champagne . Amazingly fantastic fun night. The main point of the entire event was to trash on what people were wearing. Surprisingly, there was SO much to complain about as almost everyone had one fatal flaw that completely ruined their outfit for me.

Note To Men: You may want to get out of this post while you still can.

1. Sarah Jessica Parker (you can click any picture for the larger version) wearing Dior.

Even if we ignore the fact her traditionally nonexistent sweater puppies have been lifted, smushed, pushed, and padded more than Joan Rivers face that dress is far too young for her. I would have loved to see this dress on Jessica Biel or someone of that age range but not Horse-Face Parker. Oh.. and I have that belt in black from H&M. Oh..and I almost forgot the hair. Why is it flat until her ears and then horribly curly/frizzy until the bottom? It should have been up.

2. This one hurts my heart, Kate Winslet wearing Yves Saint Laurent.

Her lack of color just kills me. I would have loved to see her with a bright red lip or some kind of color on the eyes. The hair slicked back does nothing for her absolutely stunning features. Top the look off with the weird piece of lacy fabric on an asymmetrical gown and I'm not in love. I think I could have LOVED this dress if it was made completely out of one of the two fabrics. I love them both but not like that.

Who am I kidding, that woman is still so stunningly beautiful it hurts.

3. Heidi Klum in Roland Mouret.

Heidi, giiiiirrrrrllll, we gotta talk. I think it is time to say auf wiedersehen to your stylist because this look is one big ball of train wreck. From the matchy-match shoes, to the oddly draped dress, to the weird slits, gym hair, and over the top jewelry there is NOTHING about this look I like. One day you're in and the next you're out.....and this is definitely OUT.

4. Natalie Portman in Rodarte.

This was an outstanding dress. From afar all I can think is "that is how you show up to the Oscars when you are 27" but then we get to the closeup and all I can think of is bad prom. The glitter on the dress, the black nails, the too dark eyeliner, and THE TAN LINE (oh god the tan line kills me) all turn this fantastic Oscar look into something I'm sure I saw during prom season on The Real Housewives of Orange County.

5. Jessica Biel in Prada

Jessica Biel had the hair, make-up, and accessories down for this one. I typically find her very mannish and not very attractive but last night she just oozed femininity and glamor but the only thing I kept thinking was "OMG JESSICA BIEL HAS ELEPHANTIASIS OF THE LEFT BOOB". Well that and "Where is JT? Do I smell trouble in paradise?".

6. Megan Mylan in I have no idea and couldn't find out online.

The dress was stunning but just not on her. The pièce de résistance were these very cool winglets that flashed a hint of ivory but with her "I just came from the gym" hair, complete lack of makeup, and too little jewelry the entire look flopped and flopped hard. At least she won!

6. Miley Cyrus in Zuhair Murhad

I bounce around on this one. First, I think it's age appropriate. Then I think it's too old for her. I hate the belt. I hate the weird mermaid scales. To top everything off I also had to look up why she was even invited to the show. (She was one of the voices in Bolt which was nominated and LOST to Wall-E)

7. Beyonce in House of Deréon

I believe this is the dress that someone at the party last night deemed "A bad quinceañera dress". Honey girl, us curvy ladies can not pull off that look. Period. It makes your ass look huge. I assume your stylist was Maria from The Sound of Music since it looks like you are wearing curtains.

Now don't get me wrong some people looked a-maz-ing last night.

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera was simply stunning. She picked the right jewelry, the right hairstyle, the right make-up, the right color. She looked like she was comfortable in the dress and having so much fun. I LOVED it.

Angelina Jolie in Elie Saab. What made this look so stunning was the emerald jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz jewelry. I loved the ring and want it. Who is going to buy it for me? Anyone?..... :(

Taraji P. Henson in Roberto Cavalli was by far the best dressed of the entire night. The jewelry by Fred Leighton was so amazing. Another thing to add to my "WANT" list.

Freida Pinto in John Galliano found a dress that only she could pull off. The color, the pattern, everything totally worked for her. I hate one sleeved dressed but something about the way she carries herself makes it one of the best looks of the night.

Leslie Mann in I have no idea and couldn't find out online. Everyone is hating on the dress but I like it. The cut of it is perfect on her and despite being rather petite in a whole lot of dress she still owns it. I think she looks fantastic and fun. It may have been a better Grammy dress though.

The award for sexiest man alive/best dressed at the Oscar's goes to John Legend. That man is made of pure sex.

What Happened Last Night

2009-02-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact for as long as I can remember the majority of my friends have been male, I still have no idea what men are thinking. This week I've had more "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!" moments with men than I know what to do with.

Take last night for example, I was at a friend's birthday party when this guy approached me. We talked the entire time I was there and when I decided to meet up at another bar with some friends he somehow got dragged into the equation. We hopped in a cab and were about 3 blocks away from the party when he suddenly screamed "PULL OVER!! PULL OVER RIGHT HERE!!!!". Since we had been drinking I assumed he was going to throw up. Instead he scurried out of the cab and before slamming the door in my face said "Sorry. I just got the worst gut feeling about you and all of this" and went, literally, running back to the party.

....

...

..

.

Yeah. That is what I thought too. I am still completely baffled.

Trying To Navigate The Dating World

2009-02-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

You love her but she loves him and he loves somebody else. You just can't win. And so it goes, till the day you die. This thing they call love it's gonna make you cry. I've had the blues, the reds and the pinks. One thing for sure, L♥ve Stinks.

My Love for Hugh Grant

2009-02-18T10:44:00.000-08:00

The man makes crap movies, plays himself over and over again, stutters, and cheated on Elizabeth Hurley with a prostitute but yet I still love him. I'll watch any of his movies (♥ to Music & Lyrics, 4 Weddings & A Funeral, About a Boy, Love Actually, & Nine Months. I actually have music from Music & Lyrics on my MP3 player. Did I mention my taste in music is crap too?), I'll read any articles written about him, and I think he is ridiculously good looking.

What in the hell is wrong with me?

Using The Word "Pussy" As A Negative

2009-02-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

I love different words for the vagina. I really do, except for "kitty". I love them all vagina, va jay jay, pussy (You have to hear Robin Williams talk about pussy. It is at 2:26 on this clip. Hilarious), twat, punani, beaver, box and even the dreaded cunt . There is no better swear word than cunt. Nothing more aggressive, more sexual, more in the moment than the world "cunt". No one throws it out there premeditated. It's a word of passion and I'm taking it back for the women folk.

Cunt
Cunt
Cunt
Cunt
Cunt

Anyway, what I can't stand is how the word pussy has become the default term for something that is weak. The vagina is amazing. I could give you all of my thoughts on it but nobody says it better than my #1 handheld fantasy Mr. Hal Sparks. I wish I could find a video of him doing the routine but sadly my google-fu has failed me.

"I disagree with the use of the word "Pussy" to describe a weak person. Because the Vagina is the tougher of the two genitals. Think about it. It can pass something 50 times it's size through it. You can pound on it for hours and it goes "More! More!" It bleeds every month and it Won't Die! It's like the Predator! Pussy is invincible! Meanwhile my Penis.. If it gets cold or there's a fight he's like "I'm outta here!" What I'm trying to say is... My Dick is a Pussy.”
- Hal Sparks

Yes men, your dick is a pussy.

Stupid Things People Do While Dating: Part IV

2009-02-16T13:26:00.000-08:00

I'm Just Not An Animal Person

I once accidentally went out on a date with a co-worker. I thought he was inviting me out for dinner as “buddies” but when he showed up on my doorstep with flowers I realized he had gotten the wrong idea about my intentions. We went to dinner, out to a party, and concluded the night with him walking me to my door. He caught me off guard when I thought he was going in for a hug and planted a kiss on me. I pulled away quickly and cited reasons like “oh we work together” and “I don’t want to ruin our friendship“. Take a cue from the ever miserable relationship propaganda book “He’s Just Not That Into You”, if someone likes you enough they’ll kiss you back and no reason will stop them.

He kept pressing the issue and trying to kiss me while I frantically scrambled for my keys. I was seconds away from freedom when he leaned in really close, traced my collar bone with his finger seductively, and slowly whispered “C’mon baby I just want to pet the kitty“.

Pet. The. Kitty.

Note To Men: Calling the vagina the “kitty” is not hot.

The Fact I Can't Explain Why Tap Water From The Kitchen Tastes Better Than Tap Water From The Bathroom

2009-02-12T15:02:00.000-08:00

The water comes from the same source.
The faucets are made from the same material.
The temperature is relatively the same.

So why in the world does tap water from a kitchen sink taste so much than the water from the bathroom?

I'm completely puzzled by this phenomenon.

U2 / Bono

2009-02-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

I'm going to come out and say out; Bono is a tool and U2 is the worst band of all time.

Yes, even worse than my ex's band.

There I've said it.

My first real boyfriend loved U2 and Deftones with a passion I wish he had for me. The second boyfriend constantly played U2 and had tons of self-shot concert footage that we watched so much I'm sure I could still tell you what the front row was wearing to the Sacramento show back in 1999. The third boyfriend loved U2 with a passion and made it his "mission" to get me to like them. After that exhausting year of my ears bleeding I made sure all potential love interests had no interest in U2. I'd like to blame my exes, as I like to blame everything on them, for my hatred of U2 being linked to a broken heart but it is just not true.

Bono has the most annoying voice in history. His voice sounds, to me, like the verbal translation of 14 year old fly girls on Myspace. (Ex: tHe NiGhT iS fUlL oF hOlEs/As BuLlEtS rIp ThE sKy Of iNk WiTh GoLd/ ThEy TwInKlE aS ThE bOyS pLaY rOcK aNd RoLl/ ThEy KnOw ThAt ThEy CaN't DaNcE - aT lEaSt ThEy KnOw)

Those lyrics remind me: Vertigo is the most annoying song I've ever heard.

I could go on and on for hours about what a tool Bono is, about how his charity work is sometimes a complete bust, how annoying that VoIcE of his is, or list the millions of ridiculous things he has been quoted as saying but I think I will just let this clip explain it all for me:

Oh yes. He changes they lyrics. He is wearing fucking SUNGLASSES on stage with PAVAROTTI, Pavarotti (at around 1:17) is even looking at him like "Douchebag what are you doing?", and then like some fucking ridiculous crescent wrench of a tool he kisses Pavarotti's hand.

If I were World Emporer every 28 days would be "Kick Bono in the Nutsack Day".

Stupid Things People Do While Dating (Kinda) Part III

2009-02-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

In honor of Quinn and I signing up to cook in the 2nd Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational (I still need a kitchen assistant!) I present one of my favorite blog posts from Dating Is Miserable dedicated to my one true love cheese/the dairy aisle.

The Dairy Aisle Theory

My friends seem to be full of profound thoughts about dating lately. I just got back from lunch with my friend Quinn where he pretty much hit the nail on the head about what people are looking for in a partner.

Quinn and I were discussing an event we’re going to on Sunday that will serve roast pig, antelope, and 3 cheese macaroni. Quinn is an amazing cook and began ranting about how even though he makes his mac & cheese with only 2 cheeses he is sure it is far superior than the 3 cheese version.

Quinn: People think just because it has a large variety of cheese that it’s better. It’s not. The people who use more cheese just lack commitment.
Me: So, ideally, you should date someone who makes macaroni and cheese with only 1 kind of cheese.
Quinn: Here’s the thing, you don’t want to end up with someone who has only been with one kind of cheese but you don’t want to end up with someone who has been down the whole dairy aisle either.

Quinn’s side of the story.

The Prince Charming Delusion

2009-02-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

I've never bought into the whole one day my prince will come on a white horse and whisk me away where happy little mice will tend to my every need while I sing songs to deer and rose petals will fall out of my butt.

My favorite parts of Disney movies:

Snow White - The huntsman that doesn't kill Snow White and brings back a pig's heart instead.
Sleeping Beauty- Maleficent. She was such a bad ass.
Aladdin - Princess Jasmine wanted NOTHING to do with men for most of the movie. The fact she sold out still bothers me.

I don't have a romanticized view on love. I never have. I'm not looking for someone to complete me or magically make my life perfect. Relationships and love are work. I firmly believe that every single day you have to wake up and say "this is the person I choose". It's not easy. It's not magical. It is what it is.

I realize this statement sounds a tad pessimistic about love and relationships but I assure you I'm not. In fact I think I'm quite optimistic about it. A vast majority of my family have healthy happy long lasting relationships that have been far from constant stars, roses and dancing in the ocean. Everything from infidelity, rehab, running away to another country leaving kids behind, homosexual relationships, etc has crossed these relationships and yet...here they stand. Happy. Healthy. Going Strong.

The ideas of love and relationships that Disney has forcefully brainwashed the entire American culture into believing makes me want to throw up. You don't just magically kiss someone and live happily ever after. It's work. It's determination. It's flexibility but most of all it's sticking together when things get really rough that make a relationship work.

In conclusion, FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY!

Vegans

2009-02-05T13:00:00.000-08:00

"There was something so bloodless and anemic about the pork dish..when I’m faced with a beautiful, well reared piece of meat I don’t want to stand back and admire it. I want to have full blown unprotected sex. I didn’t even get to first base with the pork"

- Toby Young, Top Chef Judge, Season 5 Episode 8

That has to be one of the most quotable lines in Top Chef history, seconded only by Andrew's "I have a culinary boner right now" from Season 4 (Someone PLEASE buy me this shirt). Anyway, it doesn't change the fact that Toby Young was more than correct. Meat is beautiful. Meat is delicious. Animal products are beautiful. Animal products are delicious.

Have you ever tried to go to dinner with a vegan? Normal restaurants just won't do because OH GOD some form of animal product may or may not have been prepared in the same room at some point in time and will tarnish your horrible tasting soy cheese pizza. I just don't trust people who WON'T eat cheese. You are forgiven if you can't eat cheese or other animal products for lactose or allergy reasons but WON'T is unacceptable. I don't think I could ever be friends with someone who doesn't like or eat cheese. Cheese is amazing. There is nothing better than sitting down on a Sunday morning to a delicious cheesy quiche. Mmmmmm eggs and cheese.

NOTE: Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing those out there who are vegans for health/allergy reasons (sorry "watching my weight" is not a reason to cut out animal products). I once worked with a girl who was literally allergic to everything. Most of the time she used a feeding tube it was so bad. That girl gets a free pass.

I've actually been trying to write this post for 5 days. I keep coming back to it and finding myself empty I'm so filled with annoyance and rage. I've rewritten this post about 6 times and finally pinpointed my issues down to two things.

1. The attitude.
I am a little hypocritical about this one as The Man and I have complete opposite tastes in food and I bug him about this constantly. As I have said before my favorite food is a tie between broccoli or hummus. The Man’s favorite food is fried chicken. I feel like Paula Dean and I are long lost soul mates with our belief that “Everything is Better with Butter!”. Seriously, let me loose in Cowgirl Creamery and see what happens! The Man is lactose intolerant. I cook dinner for us almost every single night. The Man has the number of the burrito place across the street on speed dial. I'm a becoming a bit of a food snob but more when it comes to using organic, local, sustainable ingredients but I NEVER push this on anybody else (excluding The Man). I try to use good ingredients whenever possible and LOVE going to my local farmer's market. I won't lecture you about it. I'm not going to refuse to eat something because "OMG DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT COMES FROM!?!?". I am not going to make you feel bad for your choices......unless you are The Man.

Vegans tend to have the crazy devotion to their food choices and remind me of scientologists or straightedgers. Many I'm judging them to harshly.....I mean maybe with all the weight problems, environmental issues, and economic downturn it is time more people paid attention to their food but I just can't imagine cutting out animal products is the answer. I think the answer is doing your homework and shopping locally.

2. The restrictions
I like to have my friends over. Even though I'm not the best cook in the world I like to make big ol' meals and have the whole gang over (now only if I had the space to do so). I like to bake. I can cook for vegetarians, I can cook for food allergies. I can not cook for vegans. Maybe I love food way too much but I am just baffled at how someone could cut off a whole realm of food....BAFFLED.

....but just barely.

Stupid Things People Do While Dating: Part II

2009-02-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

Another post from the retired Dating is Miserable.

Keeping It All In The Family

While watching a marathon of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and compiling a list of things I’ve heard on dates that have negated any kind of “kitty touching” I was reminded of the absolute last date I went on before I left Sacramento.

I had met John* through a very good friend I had known since Junior High. The friend had insisted that John and I were just perfect together and was hoping that if we hit it off I wouldn’t be so inclined to move to San Francisco. I agreed to go on one date with John in the midst of all my packing.

To my surprise John was a great date. He was funny, smart, and seemed to like me a lot. After our first great date we arranged to see each other again. On our second date he came over and we swam in my pool, ordered pizza, watched tv, and talked a ton. I was really starting to like him when he dropped the bomb of the century on me. My internal thoughts are in red.

Him: I lost my virginity at my family reunion when I was 16.
Me: Uhh that’s a weird place. He must have brought his girlfriend.
Him: We had to share a hotel room so we thought why not now?
Me: Whoa his parents let him share a hotel room with his girlfriend?!?! My parents never would have let me do that!
Him: So yeah my cousin and I had sex.
Me: Wait like cousin by marriage?
Him: Oh no it was my uncle’s daughter
Me: o.0

After that I quit calling him. He began obsessively calling me. He kept saying how he’d never felt such a connection to another person. How he had told me things he had never told anyone else. The night before I moved to San Francisco he called my cell crying at about 11 PM. I was obviously alarmed and after 5 minutes or so of him sobbing he was able to get out “I just don’t want you to move“.

TWO DATES! Two dates buddy! That’s it. I just couldn’t believe it. If you think the sobbing and “I just don’t want you to move” bit was creepy he then sobbed out “Can you just come outside? I’ve been sitting outside your house for a few hours and I just want to talk to you.”

* John is not his real name.

The Handjob

2009-02-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

If you have ever dated me or been around me when I've been drinking you have heard me lament at length about how I don't believe in the handjob (Hi Family!!!).

The main principle behind this is "Why would I do something for you that you can do better yourself?". Under normal circumstances I would never ask The Man to scratch my arm as I have nails and he doesn't. Under normal circumstances I would never ask someone else to brush my hair as I can do it better. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't ask someone to pour water into my mouth from a cup because the chance of me doing it right and not spilling everywhere is greater. My favorite analogy to use though is "would you really want someone else brushing your teeth for you?". You know what you like. You can do it better. Why in the world would I do it for you?

Hopefully, you get the point.

So excuse me Random Dude on the Street if I got just a tad bit more upset than the average female when you offered me $25 to "do you like I be shakin that thur bottle", to borrow from your vernacular, after seeing me vigorously shake my Odwalla Chocolate Super Protein to get all the chocolate off the bottom . Your offer, while generous, just went against all of my beliefs.

Stupid Things People Do While Dating: Part I

2009-02-02T15:48:00.000-08:00

My friend Jen told me I need to leave my Dating is Miserable posts up but instead I decided to transfer them over here one by one. So here is the updated first post from Dating is Miserable as the first part of my "I am annoyed over the stupid things people do while dating" series. Enjoy!

Hemlock Chris & The Infamous Voicemail

I met Chris one night at Hemlock while out with my buddy Keane. Keane and I were celebrating the completion of a weekend long recording session he had with his band. By celebrating I mean having a drink. By a drink I mean about 10….on an empty stomach. Keane and I were enjoying the eclectic mix of people that seem to frequent Hemlock. Locals, homeless people, tattooed hipsters, etc. Directly across the bar from us were two of the strangest homeless people I have ever seen. One looked like Rip Van Winkle with a glassy look in his eye that was headbanging to the music in the bar. The other was toothless and slightly less interesting than Rip Van Headbanger. Seated with the two homeless gentlemen was, from what I can remember through my Jaeger and Fernet induced haze, was a rather attractive human of the male variety.

We, me and the attractive guy not the homeless men, shamelessly made eyes at one another until Keane went to the bathroom when Hemlock Chris made his move.

“So your boyfriend left you all alone here, huh?”

Chris described himself as a 35 year old Marina dwelling investment banker who liked outdoor activities, drinking, and music. My set rule is to immediately disregard anyone who willingly lives in the Marina due to the “Look at my striped shirt. I’m a junior VP!!” mentality but I was feeling generous that night. Drinks were purchased, shots had, phone numbers exchanged and tentative plans to “hang out” were made. You can only imagine my surprise when he actually called about a week later (NOTE TO MEN: Don’t wait that long) and invited me out for drinks.

We met in North Beach later that week for drinks. Considering the vast quantities of libations I had consumed the night I met him I employed the “I don’t remember what he looks like so I’m going to invite one of my friends to ‘coincidentally’ be at the same bar I am in case I need rescuing” tactic. Thankfully, he was gorgeous. 5′11″, great smile, tanned, good nose (I have a thing for interesting looking noses), nice, funny, rich, and not a complete tool. When my friend, JL, showed up with her friend Rob I was in no need for rescuing but, unfortunately, she did not get the hint and they joined us for drinks.

I love my friend JL, I really do. She’s sweet with an amazing heart but…..the girl can be quite inappropriate..especially in front of men..who are good looking. Within the first 5 minutes the word cunt had been used, jokes about porn had been made, a story I didn’t want told about the time I made out with JL at The Lusty Lady was divulged, and I was left feeling horribly embarrassed. Thankfully, Hemlock Chris seemed to laugh it off. After an hour or so of drinks and horrifyingly embarrassing stories Hemlock Chris and I decided to make our way to another bar for some one on one time. We sat drinking in the bar until closing and he asked me back to his place for a bottle of wine, conversation, and a mutually agreed upon sexless time.

He had alluded to the fact he kind of had money with a few stories about his family but I wasn’t expecting to walk into a million dollar condo (he is in the process of selling it so I saw the realtor sheet. It was a pricey pad). We talked for a couple of hours, drank some wine, made out on his couch . Around 4:30 we decided I would stay over and we chastely, minus some under the sweater action, went to bed. The next morning I awoke to a gorgeous man telling me he was going to the gym with his friend Jafar then to work but I should stay in his huge king sized bed with bazillion thread count sheets with tea and get a couple more hours of sleep. I could get used to that.

I was awoken about 20 minutes later by my cell phone ringing. It was Hemlock Chris calling but I missed the call by seconds. 2o minutes after that my voicemail indicator went off and I was greeted with the following voicemail.

Listen to it here!

While discussing our date with his friend Jafar his cell phone accidentally called me as I am frequently the first person in many of my friend’s address books. Since the file is a little hard to hear and cut from 10 minutes down to 2 and some change I present you with the transcript of the voicemail:

Hemlock Chris:Not terribly no. But her friend.
Jafar: I didn’t know she had friends mother fucker!
Hemlock Chris: Yup. Her friend was a whore. Her friend was hot as fuck and is a whore
Jafar: So she tagged along
Hemlock Chris: No we ran into her
Jafar: She got laid too?
Hemlock Chris: Probably just somewhere else. She was with 5 dudes when we left
Jafar: Wait is that what we call a 3 some.
Hemlock Chris: No a sectsom
Both: -laugh-
Hemlock Chris: WHORE
Jafar: Uh shit bro. Where did you end up going?
Hemlock Chris: We met at Amante.
[something]
Hemlock Chris: Some bar over in fucking North Beach.
Jafar: WHORE
Hemlock Chris: WHORE. Fuck! I’m going to try to get with the whore friend if I can.
[Pause]
She is actually very nice I liked her a lot. She’s young dude. 23!
Both: -laugh-
Hemlock Chris: Her friend was 22!

Needless to say I busted his ass and got a string of long apologetic phone calls and text messages with a promise of dinner to make up for his “guy talk”. I figure he owes me a nice dinner then I’m out!

UPDATE: After I posted this on Dating is Miserable I saw Hemlock Chris once more. He came to an '80's Dance Party Night with me and my friends. He was extremely jumpy the entire time and when I pressured him to tell me what was wrong he said "After my antics I was sure you were luring me here so your guy friends could kick my ass". I laughed and realized all of my male friends present were tall, broad, and were watching over close enough to kick his ass if anything bad did happen. We made out at the bar and he went home. Two days later he called to schedule dinner. The day of our date he called saying he had a work thing but he bought me Alkaline Trio tickets to compensate for not being able to make it.....Alkaline Trio....seriously........WTF NO. I never heard from him again after I refused his tickets. C'est la vie

The Fact My Friend Quinn Doesn't Find The Fuck Yeah! Sites Funny.

2009-02-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

sense of humor [sens uhv hyoo-mer]
noun
the trait of appreciating (and being able to express) the humorous; "she didn't appreciate my humor"; "you can't survive in the army without a sense of humor" [syn: humor]

My friend Quinn is obviously lacking the above. The other day the two of us were talking about whether or not he should continue with http://barackobamastoleyournewbicycle.com/. I had never seen the site before nor had I seen http://barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com/ and laughed my ass off at Quinn's version. He was wondering what he should do with it and I suggested a Fuck Yeah! type of site because I truly feel there isn't much funnier out there than Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling (Fuck Yeah! Anne Hatheway is okay.).

I MEAN COME ON THIS IS FUNNY!

I have Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling on my blog reader and every time there is an update I swear I'm going to die laughing. It's just so incredibly funny and stupid you can't help but laugh! Something is seriously wrong with the people of the world who don't appreciate this site.

The Wonder Years NOT Being Out On DVD

2009-01-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

Wonder Years is the greatest television series of all time. I have watched enough tv in my years on this earth to not only own this statement but believe it with my whole heart. Wonder Years had everything; good cast, great writing, funny and touching coming of age stories that were easily relatable, a better look into life growing up in the 60's and 70's, and the most amazing soundtrack of all time. I dare you to find one person who hates this show. Take the first episode. Kevin and Paul are nervous and excited to start Junior High, Winnie's brother gets killed in Vietnam, and Kevin and Winnie share their first kiss. All of it was told so simply with honesty and humor. While it has been years since I've seen the episode I remember one scene in particular where adult Kevin (the narrator) laments about remembering how it felt not knowing anyone who had died that was exceptionally touching. BRILLIANT.

One of my favorite episodes is where Karen, Kevin's hippie sister, is leaving for college around the same time as her 18th birthday. Karen is moody and constantly fighting with her father, Jack. In the end her father gives her his army bag from when he was in the service telling her he is going to miss her. Tears are shed and the point of the story is that she is as scared of growing up and moving away as her parents are of letting her go. MASTERPIECE OF TELEVISION.

My all time favorite episode though is the finale, the pièce de résistance of the entire series. It's so moving and amazing and....perfect. Kevin follows Winnie to her summer job where he believes her to be cheating on him. After getting a job at the same resort he confronts the guy he thinks Winnie is seeing (by confront I meant knock the sucker punch in the face). Winnie breaks up with Kevin and after losing all his money and car in a poker game Kevin finds himself hitchhiking home. Upon being picked up it turns out Winnie is in the backseat as she was blamed for the fight and was also fired. The two begin bickering and their ride kicks them out. Stranded in the middle of a thunder storm they two seek refuge in an old barn where they share a kiss, Winnie declaring "I don't want it to end" and then, in my humble opinion, the two get down to business for the first time (even though it is never confirmed by the narrator). The narrator ends the episode by giving the audience a glimpse into the fate of each main character as you watch Kevin and Winnie return home during some parade. Kevin goes to college. Paul goes to Harvard Law. Karen gives birth to a son. Kevin's mother becomes a businesswoman and board chairman. Jack dies 2 years later, and Wayne takes over his father's furniture business. Winnie studies art history in Paris while Kevin stays in the United States. Winnie and Kevin end up writing each other once a week for the next eight years. In the final epilogue, Kevin mentions how he was there, along with his wife and child, to greet Winnie when she returned to the United States in 1982. It ends with a narration of adult Kevin talking to his son saying "Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house, like a lot of houses. A yard like a lot of other yards. On a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back...with wonder."

PERFECT ENDING. It's sad. It's happy. It's perfectly honest, not everything works out in the end but everything happens for a reason. I'll be honest I can't even THINK about this episode without crying and am now in tears. Watch the last 5 minutes of the episode here and if you don't cry you have no soul.

Everything about this show just works. It's so relatable it makes me sick. Tell me you don't remember your first kiss (Trevor Blackwell- 4th grade- The summer before I moved to Tennessee), or the first time someone you knew died (Gabriel White - Kindergarten - Leukemia), or how it felt to break up with your first love (Eric Harper - Summer between 11th & 12th Grade - He dumped me for someone else - I was devastated). The show always gave me some kind of hope that even if you didn't lead an extraordinary life you at least mattered to some people.

Since The Wonder Years is the greatest show ever on television I am beyond annoyed and have hit OUTRAGED that it is not on DVD. After some snooping around on the internet it appears that due to music licensing the show would be too expensive and time consuming to ever be put on DVD and would tarnish the integrity to rescore the entire series. FUCKING OUTRAGE. Can't the greedy music industry for once just let it slide? Such perfection should not be hidden from the world.

~~DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!!!~~ PUT WONDER YEARS ON DVD!!!!!!!!!! In fact join my facebook group in an effort to combat this travesty!!

(FYI: Facebook will probably be the topic of my next post)

People Who Don't Know The Last Row Rule on Muni

2009-01-27T12:41:00.000-08:00

There are certain unspoken rules on Muni (or so I like to think).

1. No talking to strangers.
2. Don't read over shoulders even if another passenger's reading material looks interesting.
3. Don't touch anyone.
4. The front seats must be vacated for elderly and disabled persons but you should also be a nice person and give up your seat to pregnant women, people with small children, and anyone with lots of packages (Just think about the number of times you've been transporting groceries home and wished for a seat).
5. Sit on the inside seat if you are the first person to sit down. Sitting on the outside seat makes you look like an ass and everyone hates you for having to ask if they can sit on the inside seat.
6. The only time it is acceptable to talk to strangers on the bus is when:
6a) The bus driver almost kills everyone
6b) You need to apologize
6c) You need to say excuse me.
6d) You need to ask a Rule #5 violator to move so you can sit on the inside seat
6e) When someone ridiculous, foul smelling, and/or annoying gets off the bus and the situation requires comment.
7. Don't touch anything.
8. Follow the Last Row rule.

What is the Last Row rule you ask? It's very simple and may save your life someday...and by save your life I mean if you follow this rule I won't have to beat you upside the head.

So here is a typical Muni last row.

(I don't know who I'm trying to fool, this is actually what a last row on Muni looks like but I liked the first picture better.)

Let's say all other seats except for the last row, in its entirety, are taken.

Q1: Which seat in the last row do you choose?
A1: Seat #1 or #5.
These seats leave ample room for more passengers to sit down and give you the least chance of being surrounded and squished by annoying people.

Let's say you have taken Seat #1. At the next stop someone new gets on and is heading for the back row to sit down.

Q2: Which seat should Person #2 take?
A2: Seat #5.
This seat gives Person #2 the optimum space away from other passengers while following the logic of A1.

Another passenger has entered the bus and is heading for your beloved row.

Q3: Which seat should Person #3 take?
A3: Seat #3.
This gives everyone enough breathing room in the last row.

Attention: Now the person in Seat #3 is really the person who needs to pay attention to the following scenario because this is really the bread and butter of the Last Row Rule and where people fail at the Last Row Rule all the time.

So there you are sitting in Seat #1, a Last Row Rule abiding citizen is in Seat #5, and a third party has taken Seat #3. Then OH NO!!! What is this?!?!? A 4th party is heading towards your harmonious row.

Q4: What should the person in Seat #3 do?
A4: Move over to either Seat #2 or #4 so Person #4 can take the seat Person #3 didn't choose leaving everyone an equal amount of space and Seat#3 now open for a 5th member of your Last Row Clan.

The Last Row Rule sounds complicated but it's really not. Once you get the hang of it I assure you that the odds of being stuck between Mr. Fat Smelly Man and Ms. Listening to Thrash Metal At Deafening Volumes when there is plenty of room on the other side of the row will significantly decrease .

To get you used to this idea and new way of life I highly suggest you play the Men's Room Urinal Etiquette Game. The principles are surprisingly similar. Once you have mastered that I assure you that you too can ride Muni without annoying me.

iPhone Users

2009-01-22T17:48:00.001-08:00

It has come to my attention iPhone users are insane.

After months of Sprint making my life a living hell I decided it was time to change cell phone providers and, in doing so, get a new phone. I immediately decided I wanted an iPhone and would go with AT&T and never even thought of other options 'cause "Hey, if everyone else is doing it". The Man had other ideas though. When I told him about my decision to switch phone companies he immediately began bombarding me with texts like "VVVVEERRRIIIZZZOOONNN" and "Get the Storm so I can play with it!!". I was rather taken aback at his insistence that Verizon and the Blackberry Storm were the way to go since The Man and his iPhone are rarely, if ever, apart.

I started looking into both options. AT&T and Verizon had similar plans with similar rates (though $50 more expensive than the equivalent Sprint plan I was on before). Verizon tends to have better coverage in the city but the bells, whistles, and popularity of the iPhone had it's own appeal. I started researching both options and saw lots of side by side comparisons of both phones (none as good as jon4lakers.com 's head to head comparison on youtube) and discussed the option more at The Man than with him until I was sure The Man was going to block me on AIM. The Man did give me one bit of incredibly helpful advice after I complained about how much I hated the iPhone screen/keyboard, "For all the bells and whistles on the iPhone, it's still a communication device and if you hate the way it communicates, it's going to drive you insane". With that thought in mind I decided to at least pop into the Verizon store across the street from my work to check out the Blackberry Storm since I had used the iPhone for months but had never even seen the BB Storm in person. After seeing it all I can say now is:

Now I really do have my reasons for picking the BB Storm over the iPhone and why I think the BB Storm is a comparable product and here they are in order of importance to this not-so-tech-savvy girl.

1) Service.
With Sprint I was forced into the Everything Plan with unlimited calls, texts, data, etc for $99.99 a month. That my friends is a great deal. I am currently on a similar Verizon plan for $139.99 a month. AT&T has the plan at about $149.99 or $159.99 depending on what phone you have. The Man has had AT&T the entire time we have been together and I have never been impressed with his network. If he didn't have service, I did. If we were trying to look something up on the internet I could always pull it up faster. Even during a blizzard in the mountains of Oregon I could get service 99% of the time. So I knew that AT&T didn't have the network I was looking for.....plus I kind of want to do dirty nasty horrible things that only these handcuffs I found at Cole Hardware ye sterday, Boy George's sense of a good time, and a Costco sized tube of lube can facilitate to the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy. (+3 Marketing Points to the Verizon People)

2) Keyboard.
I am an avid texter. I need email/internet on my phone for work if I plan on keeping a social life thus I need to be able to type. My favorite commercial of the moment is the BB Storm commercial where the user upon testing the keyboard declares that it is "typing Reno, Nevada, not Rhino Frittata or Emo Pinata!". It's true. The haptic feedback and bigger buttons makes a world of difference. After months of using the iPhone I still can't type on that screen. I end up hitting backspace more times than characters in the message. Sure I still make typos on the BB Storm but the auto spellcheck and corrector is great so the number of times I hit backspace is limited.

3) MP3 Player.
The MP3 player on the BB Storm is almost identical to the iPhone/iPod. I honestly can't tell the difference between the two. It even has the fancy feature where if the headphones get pulled out the music pauses.......unless you answer a call, take the headset off mid-discussion, then hang up the call and go to hit stop on the MP3 player not realizing that the Pause button is now the Play button and Dancing Queen by ABBA blares from your phone and you feel like an ass.

4) Camera.
The BB Storm has a flash. I don't use my camera to take great pictures. I have no artistic ability nor am I that interested in photography. I really just use it to take drunken blackmail pictures of my friends or funny crap I see on the street. I have been told the camera is pretty good for a cell phone camera but honestly.....I know nothing about it.

5) MMS.
That's right, I can send picture mail with ease. Can your iPhone do that?
Yeah, I didn't think so.

6) Staying Connected.
Both the BB Storm and iPhone can sync with flickr, youtube, facebook, twitter, myspace, and pretty much every other social networking or microblogging site out there. The only thing I wish the BB Storm had was a Plurk application but the mobile version run through my phone browser works just fine.

6) Useful applications.
Yes the iPhone has a bazillion applications but really how many do you actually need? If I want to look something up google and wikipedia work just fine from my phone. I have all my day to day sites as apps (facebook, twitter, rss reader, news updates, weather) and a few good time wasters. I don't really need much more than that.

7) Copy & Paste.
Nuff said.

8) Screen resolution.
I honestly can't tell the difference between HD channels on our HDTV but I can tell the difference of the screens between the BB Storm and the iPhone. The BB Storm is just a crystal clear picture. I was pretty shocked by it.

So why does the BB Storm vs. iPhone debate deserve to be on my annoyed by list? Almost every iPhone user I have encountered since deciding on the BB Storm has had some kind of negative remark about my choice. That the Storm doesn't have all the apps of the iPhone. That it doesn't sync with this media or that media (EVEN WHEN IT DOES!). I think I spend more time defending my phone than actually using it. iPhone users have turned me into a walking talking I LOVE MY PHONE maniac. They have turned me into one of them. It annoys me.

So even though my phone won't help me defend against the Sith nor will it help me rock out so hard that Bon Jovi will be forced to come out and do just one more encore my phone is still amazing, versatile, beautiful, and just as good, if not better, than your iPhone.

And no, Karl, I won't videotape this blog post for youtube even with my face blurred out and boobie tassels on. Some ideas sound so much better when you're drunk.

"The Pilot (The One Where It All Began)"

2009-01-22T15:58:00.000-08:00

Since dating is no longer miserable I figured I needed some form of creative outlet to complain about things that don't include morons ruining perfectly good dates with their cell phones and/or online dating. So here I shall chronicle my day to day annoyances.....which when composing a "small" list earlier for some ideas on how to get started I found the number quite staggering . SO RIP http://www.datingismiserable.com and hello to my Jerry Seinfeld "What's the deal with Ovaltine" inspired blog.